Dear Friends &
Family,
I've decided to
“come out” about my sexuality... My hope is that this declaration
will help to alleviate the secret sufferings of some while also
helping others to navigate around certain kinds of pain altogether.
As a 27 year old human male living through the turbulence of Aquarius
and the early 21st century, I can say that from here, Life
is Beautiful, God is Good, and Love is most certainly the ultimate
transcendent alchemy. If you know me, I hope this doesn't change how
you perceive me too much... With much respect for anyone who
identifies as such, first I must say that I am not gay, nor am I
bisexual. I'm just a freak... I don't feel like I owe anyone any
explanations, nor do I wish to dwell on prurient interests... I just
don't know how else to refine my peace except to purge. In the spirit
of integration, here it goes:
Coming from the
super uptight 50s, those of the hippie generation were more
open-minded than their parents, many of whom were religious prudes.
Thus my Dad's advice that, “Porn isn't evil... Masturbation is
fine. Don't let anyone tell you it's a sin,” made perfect
contextual sense. He wasn't born into the information age. He didn't
know what it would be like to have your brain plugged into the vast
ocean of cybernetic human experience from a very young age, nor could
he have hoped to predict how the phenomena might influence a child's
developing psychology – namely my own.
Living in a kind
of rough suburb in Louisiana, I spent much of my time indoors. I got
into computers at a young age, building the things from junker-PCs,
hard drives, motherboards, power supplies... Then I got into
programming. Mostly I played with physics simulations, coding games,
etc... I was really into it for years... It made for some late nights
alone in my room. It started out innocently enough, by my Dad's
standards anyway, googling naked pictures of girls. I didn't really
get into the hardcore stuff for years – I just wanted to look at
tits...! And yet slowly I gave myself over, bit by bit, without even
realizing it, to the great abyss of sexual deviancy online.
If you don't
know this about me, my Mom passed when I was 16, less than a year
after my home and hometown were ravaged by hurricane Katrina... At
that time I had horrible acne, fucked up teeth... I was a skinny,
pissed off little nerd with highly negative self-esteem living out a
private hell, struggling with depression and deep suicidal
tendencies... More girls probably would have been friendly toward me
had I not hated myself so much. Thus.. porn. Like I said, I'm a nerd,
so I was able to look at porn efficiently,
batch downloading thousands of images, torrenting movies, etc... I
must have seen naked pictures of hundreds of thousands of women, or
more, by the age of 18. Soon enough the same old thrill didn't
suffice. My sexual identity slowly became more and more skewed as I
found myself branching out, chasing the dragon. I started noticing
the little ads... They have a way of saturating your consciousness
over the years... And as one explores and begins to favor one genre
of porn over another, there are little links and pictures of ass
beckoning you on, urging you deeper, further into the abyss.
I began to
identify myself as “sexually submissive”. Deep down I took a
certain pride in it... I've always been into selflessness – as a
concept at least. I knew that I didn't have the standard machismo
dominant male attitude toward women and thought it was downright
wrong to ever look at anything that overtly degraded women... It was
easier to degrade myself. I guess I craved the ultimate surrender of
ego. Still, even though I didn't completely hate myself, I believed
wholeheartedly that nobody would ever accept me, that I would never
find true love or be able to be intimately honest with anyone... The
shameful secret must be kept guarded!
Years went by.
My family moved quite a bit in those first years after the hurricane
uprooted us. I went to five different high schools in three states,
reinventing myself constantly. It was quite a social education. All
the while, deep down, I thought of myself as a freak. I'm sure some
friends guessed I was a closet-weirdo, but I held the specifics close
and got better and better at hiding the vibrations.
Around this time
I started getting really heavy into psychedelics... I liquefied my
perceptions of reality and began to let go of every attachment I
could identify. I found myself living in my truck on the outskirts of
Reno wondering what the fuck had happened – hadn't I been a math
major at a university just months before? I crashed my truck and
spent months trying to fix it as resources dwindled. I ended up
homeless, sleeping in a park. Reno is a powerful vortex. Finally I
realized that the only way to move on was to drop everything, all
material possessions that were anchoring me to that city, like
ditching weight into a black hole to achieve escape velocity. I gave
away my car and sold everything that wouldn't fit into a backpack for
cheap and started traveling. I taught myself ukulele and adventured
around, sleeping on cardboard behind Walmarts and bushes, playing
music on the streets to feed myself. These were actually beautiful
times in my life and no, I was not some sort of sexually loose hobo
having freaky sex behind dumpsters. In fact I was very spiritual at
these times, meditating, chanting, fasting, following signs and
synchronicities.
Since I'm
telling you my dirty little secrets, I might as well take this time
to say that I am a beautiful, kind, loving, highly magical person.
Once, when four or five guys were beating the shit out of an old man
I jumped in between them and did everything I could to stop them.
I've also stopped violence with ukulele music. I chanted 'Om Mani
Padme Hum' in Kesey Square in Eugene for six hours once while
tweakers gathered and cried. I have been to holy mountains and
rainbow gatherings and shitty little cities spreading magic. I have
seen the clear light of undifferentiated consciousness on a megadose
of LSD+meditation, been dissolved by the golden fire-light of the
Cosmic Christ through Ayahuasca, and I know what it is to burn in
Hell for a short eternity on a breakthrough dose of DMT after someone
yelled at me just as I blasted off for the first time. I have prayed
and seen prayers answered in moments. I've walked among robbers and
thieves and murderers without fear, protected by the light of
spirituality. I've spent long periods of time in true celibacy. Not
just chaste, but spiritually centered. I learned a lot about
relationships and the ego.
I did have a few
awkward sexual encounters during this time of my life, with both men
and women. Though I have never been sexually attracted to guys, I did
crave humiliation, and I found it. Thus my few encounters with men
were experimental, years between, and universally uncomfortable,
leaving me with years worth of shame and guilt afterward. Had these
experiences been motivated by love or genuine attraction, that would
be one thing, but I must tell you that I was merely seeking deviant
thrills. In fact I still have a kind of PTSD from these
experiences... Certain words are triggers for me, 'straight', 'gay',
'dick', 'cock', etc, sometimes even causing me to visibly flinch. I'm
attempting to purge this weakness. That's part of what this testimony
is about. I want to live in the clear. I want to live in the light.
Like I said, I respect everyone, this is just my own unique
psychology.
Gosh it's been a
wild ride. Bit by bit I let go of my shame. Perhaps if I was more
grounded in a community I would have been able to integrate my
double-life sooner, like so many brave souls did at such tender ages
in high school, coming out as gay or bi or whatever with the support
of their friends. I wasn't strong enough back then. And yet as I
became more worldly I slowly realized that it was only my own
self-judgment that had kept me imprisoned. As I opened my heart to
one person or another, here or there, I felt not condemnation but
love. I've had a few beautiful relationships now, and experienced
great healing through them. What's most personal, I learned, is most
universal.
So... why am I
telling you all of this!? Why is this anyone's business?! I have
several reasons. First of all, I want to let others who might relate
know that you aren't alone, that life is beautiful and the journey is
worth the pain. I want to let people know that porn is highly
psychologically dangerous! I do NOT recommend it. It may not be
'evil' but it is as serious of a drug as fucking crack and can change
the way your brain works. The real world is where it's at. Love >
lust. Another thing is... I know everything comes to the light. I
know the power of algorithms and hackers. There are no secrets.
Sexuality can be a very powerful control mechanism! As one slowly
slips into shame, one can be more easily manipulated by outside
forces. My google search history over the years is pretty fucked up
and if I don't make myself immune to shame now, it's going to hurt 12
years from now when it sneaks up on me. I want to accept the karma
NOW so that I may live out my life in the context of peace and truth.
(Saturn return, anyone?) I hope that what I have written here is
received in the same spirit from which it is intended, as a heartfelt
contribution to societal evolution and modern spiritual alchemy. This
is my own soberly contemplated decision.
I would like to
close this testimony of sexual liberation by saying that these days I
am much more balanced. I am thankful for all of my experiences. I am
not a lust-fueled sex-fiend, nor am I a perverted loser. I am a
channel of divine love and strength. I am, in fact, a real man.
Nowadays I am an herbalist, an artist and a mystic. I am a
medicine-man and a healer. I've worked very hard to achieve this
peace. I am happy and increasingly well-adjusted, and it's alright if
you want to crack a joke at my expense; I hope I can join you in the
laughter. Basically I'm still just me, the same old me. And while my
sexuality does not define me as a person, I guess I am still a bit of
a freak behind closed doors... I'm okay with that. Also, even though
I've opened up a lot to everyone, it would be unfair to past and
future relationships if my life were truly an open book. I'm not here
to recount every detail of my private life. I've said enough! And now
I'm just taking everything day by day, being Ian, living with love,
growing and refining my light. Thank you for taking the time to read
this. I hope this is medicine for some. Blessings!
Sincerely,
Ian
